


Agent WHY?

by handschuhmaus



Category: Phineas and Ferb, Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Gen, Hego Damask's penthouse apartment, Plagueis is almost certainly Sidious's metaphorical platypus, PnF references, best nemeses forever, gaping plotholes of impossible Force use, inaccurate ysalamiri, the GFFA OWCA seems to be inspired by the A-M Royal Post Office?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-23
Updated: 2014-05-23
Packaged: 2018-01-25 23:38:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1666679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handschuhmaus/pseuds/handschuhmaus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Heinz Doofenshmirtz had made no plans to visit a penthouse apartment that most certainly is not his own on a planet far, far away, much less be treated to the dubious advice regarding coups d'etat of Darth Plagueis the Wise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Agent WHY?

**Author's Note:**

> I have fallen down the rabbit hole on Muunilinst and I can't seem to stop writing absurd Plagueis crack, I tell you. Oh well.

"Plagiarist!" Dr. Doofenshmirtz accused upon walking into the penthouse apartment and hearing the jingle that played. The accusation was hardly unfounded; the jingle was nearly identical to his own, except that the words were different. He had missed exactly what they were, though, the enunciation wasn't that clear, and it had only played through once. Heinz idly wondered if exiting and reentering the room repeatedly would keep triggering the jingle to play, but his thoughts were interrupted by the strange looking guy who occupied the chair across the room.

"Plagueis, actually," the room's occupant said with mild reproach, swiveling the chair around to face the evil scientist. Upon doing so he caught sight of some sort of furry lizard creature, _which was wearing a fedora_ , standing in the middle of the room, doing nothing in particular. He frowned at it.

"Is that your name, then?" Doofenshmirtz inquired, stepping towards a shelf as he examined its contents. He was about to poke a particularly intriguing item when he found the movement of his hand arrested by a mysterious force.

"Don't touch that," Plagueis commanded, suddenly standing a few feet behind him. In a gentler tone, he allowed, "But yes, it is a title I wear."

"Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, future ruler of the Tri-State area," he introduced himself, and held out a hand for the weird guy to shake. 

Somewhat reluctantly, Plagueis took his hand and briefly halfheartedly shook it.

"What is that thing?" Doofenshmirtz asked, indicating the probable OWCA agent standing there.

"It's a ysalamir," he answered, not sounding particularly pleased about the fact.

"Ysala-what? It looks like it's an OWCA agent, whatever it actually is." the evil scientist commented, scratching his head.

"I wouldn't know," Plagueis replied icily. "It's sent round here regularly to thwart me."

"Oh, so he's your nemesis!" Dr. Doofenshmirtz exclaimed. This was familiar ground. "Like Perry the Platypus is with me. I was so elated the day that I got a nemesis!" He prepared to break into song, but before the music could quite start, the atmosphere was somehow very subtly ruined. The ysalamir tipped its hat at him, an action that Heinz could hardly believe was occurring.

"Were you?" the alien asked disinterestedly, with the same coldness as was in his last statement.

"Yeah, I mean--well, even if he's constantly trying to ruin my schemes and wishes I didn't exist, it's--well, it's like having a friend really. Don't tell Perry that."

Plagueis stared intently at the ysalamir, his alien face furrowed in thought.

"What are you?" Doofenshmirtz asked, a bit rudely. He was not intending to be cruel, but he was suddenly stricken with burning curiosity and failed to come up with a more tactful way of phrasing the question.

"I am a Muun," Plagueis declared with an air of finality. "What are _you_? You are quite strange looking for a human."

This statement left Heinz dumbstruck for a moment, as he wasn't sure whether he should bother to take offense or not. But after a moment a thought occurred to him and he scanned the room for listeners before leaning up towards the Muun's head and confiding "I'm a cartoon character."

"Oh," was Plagueis's reaction to this unexpected revelation. He frowned and continued to stare at the ysalamir.

"Agent... Ysal--how do you spell that?"

The Muun turned to glare down at the evil scientist. "It begins with a y, if that's what you _must_ know," he explained in a tone of long suffering. 

"Okay, well, when's Agent Y going to get on with thwarting you? Don't you do the trapping and monologuing? No?" Doofenshmirtz asked.

"No," replied the Muun, all but gritting his teeth, "alas, its mere presence is enough to stop the greater portion of my work."

"What?! Why? I mean, yeah, I guess it might be a little disconcerting with him staring at you all the time, and I do get distracted occasionally thinking of how pettable Perry the Platypus might be, but he's not doing anything to stop you. You should get on with building your inator of the day. Or your -izer. That's what Rodney calls his. Whatever floats your boat. I'll admit Agent Y is kind of cute in a weird way, but the game's no fun if you don't do your part."

Plagueis was glaring at him again, a colder, steadier look this time. "As I said, its mere _presence_ is enough to ... _thwart_ me. I do not build 'inators'; I practice the Sith arts."

"Oh, you're an artist. Yeah, I tried that once--" Doofenshmirtz had sufficient self-preservation to shut his mouth then. Even with his nemesis present and immediately available, Heinz had no doubt that the tall alien could do quite a lot of harm before the weird lizard-ysalamir thing could make a move to stop him. 

"Clearly you are ignorant of the potential of the Force," the Muun said in quite an excellent monologue voice, cold and menacing. It was frightening even Doofenshmirtz.

"Uh, yeah. Can't say I even really know what that is," Doofenshmirtz admitted.

"If only I could give you a demonstration, you would never doubt it again, but it is quite impossible around your... 'Agent Y'." 

"Don't suppose you could engineer a scheme to have whatever Francis's local equivalent is call him off to deal with some other catastrophe?" Doofenshmirtz mused, his mouth running away with him before he could quite realize what he was suggesting.

For the umpteenth--or not--time of their meeting, the Muun fixed a glare on the evil scientist. "Do you really imagine that would work? No, the only thing, and I mean the only thing that could dissuade this ysalamir--not rain, nor snow, nor glom of nit, whatever that's supposed to mean--would be another Sith, and given that Sideous revealing himself, even to the select few who campaign against me, would quite ruin the plan, there is no hope of that."

"Well, _I'm_ an evil scientist," Heinz blurted, before realizing that Plagueis was giving him quite a strange look.

"You, an 'evil scientist'?" Plagueis repeated incredulously, and gave forth a horrible guttural sound that rather frightened Heinz until he hit upon the idea that the Muun was likely laughing about it.

"Yeah," Doofenshmirtz insisted, offended. "I told you I'm the future ruler of the Tri-State area, as soon as Roger comes to his senses and hands over control to me."

"Who is Roger?" the Muun asked scathingly.

"My brother," Heinz admitted guardedly. "Mayor Roger Doofenshmirtz, the perfect one, always my mother's favorite--"

"So this is a case of sibling rivalry. Pitiful. But tell me, then, _Doctor_ Heinz Doofenshmirtz, 'evil scientist', what manner of science do you perform? The prolonging of life? Ways to dominate the minds of lesser beings?"

"Uh--well, I guess I had some success on that last part, that is until Perry the Platypus put the helmet on me, and I got records stuck to my fingers, and there was this whole catchy musical number explaining how there was a platypus controlling me." 

"What is a 'platypus'?" Plagueis asked, seeming curious despite himself.

"You don't know what a--they're a sort of monotreme from Australia, I think. They're really weird. They've got a duck bill and a beaver tail and--well, that's about all I know, other than the fact that my nemesis is one."

"Oh, yes, your _nemesis_. He is a mere animal, then?"

"That's the whole point of the OWCA!" Doofenshmirtz exclaimed indignantly, though why he was defending Francis's stupid secret agent animal agency he wasn't sure. " _Your_ nemesis is an animal, too!"

"The ysalamir is not my nemesis proper. It is a mere annoyance, if an extremely persistent and nigh on insurmountable one. And you have given no indication that your 'Perry the Platypus' has any negating powers such as the ysalamir do, though of course you have already exhibited your ignorance of the Sith arts." 

"He's a secret agent!" Heinz defended, miffed despite himself on Perry's behalf. "He has all kind of awesome and inexplicable skills. Now this ysala--whatever it is, _it_ doesn't do much. It just _sits_ there!"

"Begone!" Plagueis commanded abruptly, all but frothing at the mouth, but by this time Doofenshmirtz was properly indignant and refused to be cowed without having his full say.

"I'll bet all you've been saying is complete nonsense. Do you even have a relationship with your nemesis? Does he go anywhere? Does he thwart any other evil scientists?" Doofenshmirtz tried, perhaps foolishly, to call the alien's bluff. 

"The ysalamir is _not_ my nemesis!" the Muun exclaimed, exceedingly annoyed. 

"You said he comes around and thwarts you! That's practically the definition of a nemesis. Hey, you're an alien, have you got any connection with Big Mitch? Do you know how he turned Balloony against me?"

Plagueis might have been gaping at this bizarre turn in the conversation, had he not considered himself above such gestures of obvious ignorance. He ultimately settled for ignoring the strange accusations, instead contesting the bizarre cartoon scientist on a relatively minor matter. "That is not the definition of 'nemesis', as a matter of fact." The Sith entirely startled Doofenshmirtz by summoning a dictionary datapad from the top shelf of the display case with the Force and looking up the definition of 'nemesis'. Unfortunately for the Muun, the dictionary proved to mostly vindicate Heinz, defining "nemesis" as "the inescapable agent of someone or something's downfall, especially when this is deserved."*

"Alright, then," Plagueis admitted irritably, "you do seem to be nearly on the mark. But we Sith are in fact and primarily the Jedi's nemeses."

"I--I'm not a Sith," Doofenshmirtz pointed out, his vehemence largely deflated by being proved right by the dictionary.

"I know that!" the Muun snapped. "I was referring to myself and my apprentice."

"Ooh, you have an apprentice? I tried that once and he got everything extremely wrong. He tried to destroy the Tri-State area, not just take it over, or, you know, like, hold it for hostage?"

Plagueis frowned for a moment in consideration. "In staging a coup, and you understand this is purely _theoretical_ , it is frequently useful to rend the established but undesirable government into uncooperative and useless factions so that when you seize control you can be viewed as the savior." 

"Yeah, but it's impossible to make Roger look incompetent. He's better than me at everything, even kickball!"

"Well then, my _friend_ \--" in a tone that suggested he really was no such thing, but nonetheless was milder than the Muun had been, "it would seem that you need to try a different tactic."

"I've tried all sorts of tactics!" Heinz protested, rubbed the wrong way both by the use of "friend" and having brought up Roger. "I've built inators of all sorts, I've tried all sorts of schemes--"

"Perhaps you should desist from these 'inators'. It sounds as if they have not helped you much." 

"But that's what I do!" Doofenshmirtz pointed out, trying to avoid the looming existential crisis based on the fact that he _had_ thus far consistently failed in all his schemes.

Plagueis ignored this point. "Patience. You require patience and focus," he pronounced.

"Well--well, okay," Heinz allowed, considering. Yes, being patient, planning out his schemes more thoroughly, maybe then he could conquer the Tri-State Area properly. But then again, this seemed likely to impair his relationship with Perry. After all, if he wasn't obviously and actively scheming, Francis might stop sending the platypus around to thwart him, and then when...when would he see his nemesis?

"Was there something you required?" the Muun asked, when Doofenshmirtz's contemplation had caused several moments of silence.

"What? I do all my shopping over the internet, at least, most of it, for the inators anyway. I mean, I don't do my grocery shopping that way all the time and there was that pizzazium infinionite that I could only find in a store--" Doofenshmirtz abruptly shut his mouth and stopped rambling; Plagueis was looking annoyed.

"No," the tall alien corrected menacingly, "I wanted to know why you were calling on me in the first place."

"Uh--" Heinz mumbled, before realizing that he really had no idea why he was visiting Plagueis Evil Incorporated, if that was the name of this place. It could have been because he felt an inexplicable attraction to the purple-ish looking building, and thought he might find home away from home in the penthouse apartment like his own. But that really wasn't the reason why he'd entered the lobby and rode up the elevator. Come to think of it, he couldn't explain his reasoning, other than some sort of irresistible pull, like the smell of hot bratwursts. The evil scientist sniffed carefully now, just to see if there was bratwurst cooking somewhere nearby. There was no smell of yummy hot sausages, though, only a very faint smell of something decidedly tannic and botanical that he couldn't place.

"Well?" Plagueis inquired, after he had been lost in thought for the second time in so many minutes. 

"I don't really know. Maybe--maybe I should be going, yeah, that sounds like a good idea. CurseyouPerrythePlatypus!" he mumbled for good measure. "Would you like me to take Agent Y with me? Maybe we could, I dunno, go out for Slushyburger?"

The Muun stared at him for a long moment before finally replying coldly, "Yes, that would be splendid. Begone with you." The door opened, seemingly of its own accord, though Heinz guessed that it was probably that mysterious force again. As the evil scientist carefully picked up the lizard like creature (It wasn't doing much, and it wasn't his nemesis, so he'd better not hurt it.) it eyed Plagueis sternly. 

He grimaced and shooed Doofenshmirtz out. The door made a locking sound behind him, and then the agent tipped its hat at Doofenshmirtz and scurried off down the hallway along where the baseboard would have been if there was one, somehow fairly difficult to spot. Heinz idly wondered whether OWCA taught their agents special stealth techniques that made them invisible in plain sight. Now, if he could just find a Mister Slushyburger. He wouldn't even complain about the "Pickles so green and meat so brown, lunchtime's fun with Slushy the Clown" slogan... 

_*This definition, appropriately enough, is taken from the Oxford Dictionary of English on my Kindle._

**Author's Note:**

> I am not going to write any more of this particular thing, I swear. (more PnF/SW? more PnF with _Sith_?! I have more ideas. ;D ) But I'm convinced that the next thing that happens is Doof visiting Dex's, and possibly running into, say, Obi-Wan?
> 
> And it's totally fine with me if you'd like to write that, even without reference to Plagueis.


End file.
